Thursday, 6 December 2012

Fookin' clowns!

Montreal is pretty big on art in general. There are a lot of museums, galleries, theatres, orchestras and there are always street performers. Actually, there are even designated spots in the metro stations for people to set themselves up and play music. And of course, there's a huge hipster indie rock music scene as well. I mean, every fucking hipster band here is trying to be the next Arcade Fire and they all hang out at the Divan Orange on Saint-Laurent or Esco Bar on Saint-Denis.

But, enough of the hipsters. The scariest thing they'll ever do is give you this judgmental stare through their vintage Ray Bans, but there is a far scarier thing going on here. The stuff nightmares are made of.

In the world of art, if there is one thing that La Belle Province (that's a nickname for Québec in case you're wondering) is famous for, are clowns. You know the world famous Cirque du Soleil? They're from here. And while they're away, there's always a few of them left behind to perform in some theatres around town.

Oh, and did I mention that I almost poop myself in sheer horror every day when I take the subway to work? Here's why:

That poster has been up at Place Des Arts in the arts and entertainment district for two years now for every holiday to promote the Nutcracker ballet show. Look at that fat bastard! LOOK AT HIM! Clearly his stomach is so big because he just swallowed someone whole! I mean it's quite possible when you look at the size of his huge fucking mouth! Every time I look at his face I gotta hold on to something because I feel like I'm being sucked in like a black hole!


As if that wasn't enough, this year there's another show being promoted at the Tohu, some kind of local theatre dedicated to circus acts alone. And you can't have a circus without clowns! Especially evil monster vampire clowns from circus hell like this mother fucker here. I swear, Stephen King must've lived in Montreal to get inspiration for his book "It" with this kind of material.

He will eat your face off slowly with a thousand little bites
and suck your soul through your eye sockets!

When I saw that ad plastered across an entire piece of wall in the metro, my legs went numb and fell on the ground, trying to scream in horror, but the very fear choked me and all that came out was a whimper. People were gathering around me as I convulsed in a puddle of my own pee making weird little chirps while covering my face in terror. That was not a good day.

After a few sessions of therapy I was finally able to stand and fight the urge to curl into a ball in the presence of these monsters and gained back control of my life. But, this has been a terrible experience and I am still having nightmares about these fucking clowns. I'm sure I'm not the only one with this problem. Maybe I should start a Montreal clown-o-phobia (or coulrophobia) support group and organize a protest to stop terrorizing the population with these abominations. I mean, other than clowns and circuses, if there's something Quebecers are good for are protests.

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