Saturday, 2 June 2012

Los luchaores de la Plaza Saint-Hubert

Last night I decided to go off my regular route and head a little north into the Rosemont neighborhood to go see the Plaza Saint-Hubert. The reason? I heard rumors that there was another, much better Oscar candy store and that they actually had real Cow Tales sticks. So I wanted to check if the rumors were true. And while I was there, I decided to scope out the area and I discovered a couple of pretty amazing places without going very far.

Coming out of the Beaubien metro station I accidentally went the wrong way and ended up in front of a store called Bottes & Baskets. What got my attention was.... shoes. Lady shoes. Now I just want to mention right away that I'm in no way some kind of weird foot fetishist who would drink champagne out of a stiletto. But sometimes, the right shoe can make a woman look very sexy. And when a girl rocks the whole classic pin-up kind of look, I find that really hot. The shoes I saw at Bottes & Baskets looked like they were meant for that style, plus they had other stuff as well like Doc Martens, Chuck Taylor All Stars, hats, cool bags and awesome belts.

The store's front.

Those shoes are what got my attention for some reason.

Sorry for the fuzziness, but you get the idea.

Speaking of the belts, they had some hanging from the front counter and they were pretty cool. They're comic book belts. And I found one with El Spectro! I just had to get it. And I did. And it looks freakin' awesome! Check it out!

This is the super cool El Spectro belt.

This is from another comic book. I think it's called Totem?
Anyway, that belt also looked nice.

I was having a conversation with the employees about the belts and El Spectro one of them directed me towards the Plaza Saint-Hubert and told me to go check out this place called Nacho Libre. In my head I was like "Really? Nacho Libre? le sigh How creative! Who would have thought of associating something luchador related to that Jack Black movie, again." while rolling my eyes in sarcasm. But hey, I'll give it a shot because if there's luchadores, I am so there.

So I walked out the door, sporting my new belt and headed towards Plaza Saint-Hubert. For those of you who have never been to that place, it's basically a street full of shops and stores of all kinds and restaurants where you can find some really good deals, especially for clothes as they have many places that sell at warehouse prices. Honestly, I don't know why I don't go there more often when I need clothes. Oh wait. I know: because it's corny as hell and the clothes are cheap imitation loose rapper clothing and those Japanese anime Hawaian shirts with the samurais on 'em that used to be cool like 10 years ago, if you thought wearing your jeans down to your knees with your boxers showing was cool back then. Or, you'll find cheap wedding dress stores which is every other store. Last time I checked, I didn't look good in a puffy  white dress with lace. Other than that there's some cool stuff hidden in there like some geek board games and dungeons and dragons stores and what have you. But, the real nice thing about that street is that the sidewalks are covered by a glass roof, so you can walk outside along the shops on the street on a rainy day and not have to worry about getting your new SWAG all wet. Another advantage is that it's easily accessible by metro. The Beaubien station is litterally 2 or 3 small blocks away and it takes 2 minutes to walk there.

As I got on Saint-Hubert street, it was already close to 9 pm so I quickly headed towards the Oscar candy store. Apparently this one was even better than the branch on Ontario Est street in Hochelaga-Maisonneuve (HoMa for short). And indeed it was.

From outside I could see the bright colours and the sweets beckoning me. Telling me to come inside to take a look. As I opened the door, there was a sweet, sweet smell of sugar and cookies. If anyone could describe what heaven smells like, that would be it. I bet my pupils were wide open when I walked through that door and took my first whiff. I just know my mouth was open and I was standing in a pool of my own drool as I stood there staring at the delicious sight. I was a kid again.

Their selection of bulk candy, chocolates and cookies was pretty big. They also had some more expensive higher grade imported stuff for the fancy shmancy out there who need their sugar extra-refined and their cocoa hand picked by angel maidens of the amazon dressed in white silk. What I liked the most is that they also had a wide variety of nutty spreads and jams.

Walking through the isles I was thinking this is probably the secret place where all the grandmas go to fill up their jars with candy and cookies for their grandchildren. Then something caught my eye. No, not candy filled pumps! God! Will you cut me some slack with the foot fetish thing? It's the word BACON. Because if there's anything else than women that can catch a man's eye it's bacon. But, what would bacon have to do with candy? It's salty, not sweet. And it's a meat, not some chemical fusion of high fructose syrup, sugar and food colouring. Well it's the candy of all meats that's what! So someone decided to take this meat candy, and turn it into sweet candy. And lo and behold, this was invented:

Bacon flavored jelly beans. A gift from the gods?
We'll find out soon...

And right next to the bacon was something I thought was illegal in Quebec because of the bad influence such a product could have. Think of the children! They're sure to become hard nicotine addicts in their teens just because of these.

Well, if the doctor on the box says it's good for me.

Since I still have my stash of candy from my previous visit to the other Oscar store, I thought I'd just pick up one or two things that are exceptional. So I took some bacon beans for tomorrow's breakfast and some illegal contraband candy cigarettes which are apparently approved by the Canadian Medical Association. (Not!) I went to the cash. For one tin of Bacon Beans and one pack of candy cigarettes, the total came up to over 10$!!! Ten bucks for a couple of boxes of candy? Five bucks each? This inflation is really getting out of hand. And the old folks who say they used to get a shit load of candy for a nickel think we have it easy these days. So I called up my credit union, got a 3 year loan with a 15% interest rate, paid my candy and got out the door wondering how I'm gonna make ends meet.

Outside, I eagerly opened up the tin of bacon beans and threw a couple in my mouth. The moment I chewed on them, an uncontrollable distorted look of disgust took over my face. That was so wrong. So, so wrong. But, it says "bacon". Surely I must be crazy. So I stopped a couple I had noticed in the store who just got out and I stopped them and offered them some. They laughed and couldn't resist a random stranger offering them some bacon flavored candy. So they happily took a few and ate them. You could see the concerned look on their face. Something was not right.

On my way back to the metro, I decided to make a turn in the opposite direction to see what else was in the area. I noticed there were some very nice restaurants and bars there, mostly filled with students and young people. Then I was hearing some loud music, people laughing and as I got closer to the noise I noticed it was a bar with one of those garage doors in the front that they open up on warm summer days. Wearing my trusty amazing El Spectro belt I peered inside and my jaw dropped. I couldn't believe it. That was it. The place the girl told me about. The one, the only, NACHOOOOOOOOOOOOO LIIIIIIIIBREEEEEEE!

Ok, I thought the name wasn't very creative, but I gotta give this place some credit. It looks freakin' awesome! I mean the walls are covered with pictures of luchadores! I will definitely come back here with a bunch of friends. But I just can't go without Golden Thunderpants. He's sure to liven up the place on a Saturday night.

This discovery made my day. I was so tired from all the excitement I decided to head home looking forward to partying at Nacho Libre. And as I waited on the platform of the metro station I opened up the box of candy cigarettes and had one. I was disappointed because I was expecting a paper wrapped stick of waxy chocolate. But instead they were sticks of citrus-flavored chalk. No wonder the doctor on the box recommends them, they're used to stop heartburn! They seriously tasted like an sweet version of citrus Tums antacid tablets. Then I opened up my tin of bacon flavoured jelly beans and thought I'd give those another try. Maybe you need to eat a few to get used to the taste. Nope. Still awful. This time I realized what it really tastes like: simulated smoke flavour. You know that flavour they add to chips and beef jerky? So it's just a jelly bean with simulated smoke flavour but in excessive concentration to torture your taste buds into submission and believe the lie that this actually tastes like bacon. But like the beloved former President George W. Bush once said: "Fool me once, shame on... Shame on you. Fool me.... You can't get fooled again!" Indeed I learned my lesson. I will never accept anything else than the real McCoy.

Accept no substitute!


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